The level of satisfaction in a couple's sex life is closely linked to the level of communication between them. Just as we learn proper writing techniques, we must also learn how to effectively discuss intimacy with our partners in order to create a mutually beneficial and healthy environment for both individuals.
Being honest and open with oneself is crucial when discussing intimacy - just like in any other aspect of a relationship.
Preliminary Maneuver
Before having a conversation about sex, it's important to prepare for it beforehand if it is not something that is commonly discussed in the relationship. It's essential to have a clear goal in mind - do you want to introduce something new into your sexual life, suggest a certain practice, or express dissatisfaction with something? Without a clear focus, the conversation can easily turn into mutual accusations and grievances. It's normal for everyone involved to feel stressed when discussing intimate matters at first.
What is it that you really want? Simply stating "I want to try something new" is not a successful strategy. Your partner will most likely be left feeling confused and unsure of what you mean.
What is your reason for wanting this? The choice of "I'm curious" can also suffice. However, it's crucial to clarify that this desire stems from your own personal interest, rather than simply following the trend of "everyone else has done it".
Why would this be intriguing to the partner? A key aspect of a satisfying sexual relationship is shared pleasure. How can the partner experience pleasure from trying something new?
Moving On
Many of us struggle to discuss our sexual experiences, relying on inadequate methods. In conversations, we resort to techniques that, if effective, leave a damaging and negative impact on our relationships.
We are referring to manipulation, persuasion, threats, emotional blackmail, and testing limits. If any of these occur in your relationship, it's important to consider the overall structure of the connection between you and your partner. These issues are not related to sex, but rather the dynamics of the relationship.
Passive aggression can also be harmful. If you find yourself using phrases such as "You always," "You never," or "Well, who would have thought," it's important to plan your responses ahead of time. Avoid using aggressive and sarcastic language during the discussion.
When talking about sex, it's common to use the "I-principle": stating how you feel and expressing what you would like. However, it's important to balance this with including your partner in the conversation, or else they may question their significance in it.
Another piece of advice is to avoid being negative: instead of saying "Don't do it this way," say "I would prefer if you did it this way." However, it's important to express your dissatisfaction and suggest an alternative approach. If not addressed, it can be confusing for the other person - they were instructed to change their behavior, but not explicitly told to stop doing it the previous way. Keep communication transparent and clear to avoid misunderstandings.
When communicating with your partner, it's important to take responsibility for your feelings and express them clearly. Instead of just saying what doesn't make you happy, offer a potential solution and explain why it would work for you. If you're unsure, suggest working together to find a solution. Remember the importance of honesty and transparency? But don't leave your partner to tackle a problem alone that they didn't create.
For example, one may say, "I have been pretending to have orgasms for the past 10 years. Just wanted you to know." What should their partner do in this situation? Why did the person feel the need to fake it? How should one react to this statement?
If you want to suggest a new practice to your partner, thoroughly research its aspects and requirements first. Don't complicate things by bringing it up before being truly ready and certain about wanting it.
However, we do not suggest attending a sex coaching session or purchasing items to spice up intimacy without discussing it with your partner beforehand. Your partner may want to attend the class or visit a sex shop together with you, and they could feel hurt if they are left out of the decision-making process. Or they may perceive your actions as pressure, making it hard for them to say no when you have put effort and resources into planning. It is important to always give your partner the opportunity to decline, even if plans have been made.
"Hey, Google, how do I begin?"
If you've been in a relationship for 10 years and have never discussed your sexual life, it may seem impossible to start now. However, that is not the case. The human mind is adaptable, and there's a high chance that over the past 10 years, your partner has gathered various topics they want to discuss but were too afraid to bring up.
The first rule is to never suggest something that you don't actually want. If your partner agrees, it will be challenging for you to take back what was said. On the other hand, if they refuse, there will still be a lingering feeling of guilt in the situation. The goal of a healthy sexual life is to bring joy and not complicate relationships.
More than Sex
It may come as a surprise, but there is more to people's lives than just their sexual experiences. Fears, resentments, and personal histories often go unspoken about, making them even harder to share with a partner. So when your significant other finally opens up about these intimate matters, why should talking about sex be off limits in your relationship? It's time to break the taboo and start the conversation.
